The lava lamp is stirrin'

I was cleaning out old e-mails today, and I stumbled across this gchat with Agatha from a few months ago. This VERY creepy older gentleman kept asking her out, and we were imagining what their date would be like:

3:07 PM me: i wonder where he'd take you

  

hooters probably

3:08 PM Agatha: I'm sure he'd try to take me home  and sprawl himself out on his satin sheets in leopard-print briefs

  There'd be a lava lamp behind him

 me: and a bear skin rug on the floor

  in front of a roaring fireplace

3:09 PM Agatha: A red rose in his mouth

3:10 PM me: and, despite the mouth full of rose, he's growling like a mountain lion

  and swatting his paws at you

 Agatha: Playfully

3:11 PM He says "Why don't you have a seat on the bed?"

3:13 PM me: you sit on the bed... as far from him as possible

  slowly and "seductively" he gets on all fours

  and crawls over to you

  rose still in mouth, miraculously

 Agatha: Hahaha

3:14 PM The lava lamp is stirrin'

  I try not to pay attention to what he's doing

  So I look away and notice a red feather on his bedside table

3:15 PM me: he reaches across you, "accidentally" stroking your chest

  grabs the red feather and gently swats your cheek with it

3:16 PM you turn--quickly--and grab the feather in your mouth

  bringing him to an alarming halt

3:18 PM Agatha: He's flustered for a second

  But snaps his fingers and exclaims

  "Champagne!"

  His champagne glasses are modern and tacky, but I accept a glass nonetheless

3:19 PM me: he pours the liquid courage into the faux-glass flutes, dramatically pulling his hand high before dropping it down again

  he looks at your for an approving look

  you roll your eyes and yawn

3:20 PM Agatha: I pound the champagne and tell him I have to go

  "But we were just getting started," he says

3:21 PM And opens the drawer to his bedside table, removing a little tube

  He uncaps the tube, squeezes it, and proceeds to oil his chest

3:22 PM me: but he squeezes too hard

  and the entire tube goes pouring out all over him

  rather than point out his mistake, he acts like it was done on purpose

3:23 PM and he begins rampantly rubbing his entire body with the oil, careful not to ruin his precious man panties

  a drop gets on your arm, which you proceed to wipe off in disgust with the bear skin rug

 Agatha: hahaha

3:24 PM Recalling how much he spent on the rug, when he purchased it on eBay, he offers to "get that for me"

3:25 PM As he shifts, I notice the back of his underwear is a g-string and reveals the small bald Eagle he has tattooed on his left buttock

3:26 PM I tell him "I'm good" and eye the bottle of sparkling wine, hoping for another glass

  He sees my eyes shifting and decides to set the mood a little more

  So he puts on some soft jazz

3:33 PM me: back sorry!

3:34 PM except, much to his surprise, the soft jazz station has recently been turned into a speed metal station

3:35 PM hoping to appear as if his plan is flawless, he leaves on the speed metal

  

  and turns it up as loud as possible

  which, he thinks, is the impromptu time to whip out...

  the whips

3:40 PM Agatha: I tell him I'm bored and have a headache from the loud music

  He tunes it down a little and looks at me with a half grin, bobbing his head to what he's interpreting as the rhythm

3:41 PM I've been seduced

3:42 PM me: HAHAHAHAHAH