Just another day, dancing with Mr. T...

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Return of the photobomb

Mel and Jeff have been photobomb-ed like crazy lately, and I likey.

What would NPH do?

I just interviewed a local theater actor who is currently in L.A. He mentioned that last week he did karaoke with Neil Patrick Harris at a giant bar filled with magicians. "We sang Bohemian Rhapsody... went straight for the glory." Don't forget to ask yourself at least once per day...

Makes me want a margarita

I just accidentally squashed a small Mexican man in a set of revolving doors when he tried to jump in the same door section as me. Mel's reaction? "Hearing that makes me want a margarita."

Oceanus Hotel

I spent this past weekend at my parents' new beach condo in Delaware. Lauren P. joined the ridiculousness as we ran around with Ma and Pa Yeags and their ridiculously entertaining friends. We hiked; walked around the beach and bay; drank my dad's horrifyingly strong gin and tonics; and swam in the indoor pool.

Some highlights:

• Getting yelled at by a 12-year-old boy. A snapping "GOOGLE IT!" was his response to just about everything.
• A costume parade in Rehobeth on Saturday morning. The best costume was kids dressed up as crabs, sitting at a picnic table... eating baby dolls. The kids were about 5 years old.
• The following hotel, whose name just cracked up my dad and his friends. "I wouldn't want to clean the pool at the OceANUS hotel!" Turns out 60 year-old-men act exceptionally similar to 12-year-olds. GOOGLE IT.

Charlie bit me

This makes me smile like a damn fool. Char-lay!

Ridicule Bob

Work is BUSY again and will be until mid-November. Nevertheless, today had two important highlights:

• Our lifestyle editor gave me a tube of concealer... for black women.
• I found out Larry is friends with Kato Kaelin. Seriously.

Tomorrow we have an all-day "office retreat" at some swanky hotel in the city. I just received the formal agenda, written by one of my co-workers. The following are among our scheduled activities:

Noon-12:05pm: Impressions by Larry. A side-by-side comparison of Larry "doing" Matt and Matt "doing" himself. Judging by applause.

1-1:05pm: Ridicule Bob. Group discussion.

2-2:05pm: Judee von Seldeneck* and Georges Perrier* have a chat.

*Both roles will be played by Michael

Also on the memo:

Be ready for some team-building activities: We’ll be doing trust falls, tug-of-war, networking exercises, and the “balloon games” that are explained here: http://wilderdom.com/games/descriptions/gamesballoons.html

We're gonna need to put a brassiere on him

This past weekend was my grandma's 86th birthday party in New York. My grandma is the sweetest woman in the world, but she never disappoints with the back-handed "compliments," which just leave my cousins and I cracking up like maniacs. Some of my favorites from this weekend:

"Oh Valerie, you're so thin! Not as thin as Carrie, but yea..."

"That's a cute hat, Nicole. You've always had a very special sense of style."

And then there's the classic no-nonsense grandma comments:

On the 8-year-old son of my cousin -- "If Justin eats any more food today, we're gonna need to put a brassiere on him. He's a BIG BOY."

On my perfectly average weight cousin, as she pinches his stomach, "What do you have under there, Sean? Two tires?"

My grandma also insists that we sing "Happy Birthday" FIVES times in a row... for each person in the family with an October birthday. Oh and there is also five cakes. And whenever you enter a room at one of these family functions, everyone claps and chants your name.

We all wake up the morning after these family parties with a serious hangover and a plate of bacon in our faces, courtesy of Grandma, who thinks it's sweet all the cousins got "stewed together."

Did I mention that at one point we all stood in a circle and did the chicken dance? There were no children there at that point. I've never seen my grandma happier.

His snoring keeps me up all night

OK this is just getting ridiculous, but I need to post something else before I forget about it. A conversation I just had with Larry:

L: I'm congested. Listen! [forced loud hacking noise]

V: Did you take some benadryl?

L: Oh yea, I take that every day whether I feel sick or not.

V: Good idea. What about a breathe right strip? It would look great with your turtleneck.

L: I wear those at night! Actually, do you think we could make one of those for my cat, Rocky? His snoring keeps me up all night.

Wink wink

A conversation I just had with the 80-year-old publishing magnate who owns this company:

Me: We need to screen Sam's documentary soon. Are you in the office next week?

Him: Well, Valerie... I'm getting a colonoscopy on Tuesday [wink].

Why not just wear a dickie?

Urgent and important news brief:

Larry is wearing a TIGHT, RIBBED black TURTLENECK today.

Cannonball!

God I wish I was funnier

I interviewed Dom Irrera today. He was very entertaining, and after the formal interview we had a 5-minute chat about mud slides (the natural disaster, not the delicious drink) that cracked me up with its randomness. He left me a voicemail this afternoon with an addendum to our interview. At the very end of the message, he faintly mumbles, "God I wish I was funnier..."

Click.

Baby boy was me

This will never get old. Ever.

HOT pastrami!

It's only 11:20am and the following events have already occurred in this office:

- a woman at a local deli screamed "I don't give a SHIT!" and then cackled like a crazy person when I asked her if she wanted the name on the credit card I was giving her;

- our HR manager told me she was going to "increase my box" (of petty cash!) and four of us cracked up like 12-year-old boys;

- I just heard someone down the hall yell, "Don't make me get out my whip!";

- our fashion editor is currently blow drying her hair... in the doorway of her office... with a massive grin on her face; and

- Larry is so excited about a catered lunch meeting he has today that he's walking around the office yelling, "HOT pastrami! HOT pastrami!" and talking about how much he likes spicy mustard.

All in all, it's a productive day so far.

100% Real Woman

My little sister categorizes all the people in her cell phone, so her text messages always end with a note letting me know how I've been categorized that week. Sometimes it's something sweet like *LOVED*. Other times it has been *GOOD LOOKIN'* (she's a smart girl) or *FUNNY*. I texted her today, and at the bottom of her response:

*100% REAL WOMAN*

Haha yessssss.

I need a new Kangol hat!

Today is Larry's birthday. He sent me an e-mail at 2:34am this morning that said "McCoy [one of his 14 cats] and I watched the Phillies game together. It's my birthday so I'm not setting my alarm. See ya when I see ya, ho."

For his birthday last year, I bought Larry this. One of his favorite stories ever is how in junior high, he and a friend made weed brownies and sold them at the school bake sale. They didn't grind the weed first, so big chunks were stuck in their principal's teeth.

On Friday, I asked Larry if he ever used the cookbook. He said, "I don't even know what I did with it. And no, I never used it." I replied, "Well, then I'm never buying you a birthday present ever again."

"But I've been hinting that I need a new Kangol hat!"

Get in the cauldron!

I visited Rachel in Annapolis earlier this week, and we spent Tuesday afternoon skipping around the world's most amazingly random farm like giggly school girls. Not long after driving up the dirt road leading to our mecca, we spotted a sign that said, "You pick it, you bought it. We will inspect your car!"... And with that, I knew we were about to have a fun day. We stayed there for FOUR HOURS and it was ridiculously hilarious the entire time.

Never underestimate the fun of a snake-shaped pumpkin:

Black Summer's Night

I got my hands on a pair of free 3rd row tickets to Maxwell's "Black Summer's Night" tour at the Spectrum for Saturday night. The title of the tour should have been an indication that Erin and I would be in the racial minority. Turns out Pink was performing at the stadium across the street, and we were asked no short of five times, "Are you sure you girls aren't supposed to be watchin' Pink across the street?!"

Like Samuel L. Jackson

It is SLOW at work today. There are only five of us here, Larry has been hurling a koosh ball at everyone who walks by, and I think I'm the only person wearing shoes.

With all this spare time, I've decided to make a list of reasons I'm glad it's Fall:

- scarves;

- boots;

- pumpkin spice lattes;

- haunted houses and hayrides;

- apple cider;

- Halloween;

- Sunday football (i.e., mid-afternoon beer and bar food);

- Larry doesn't wear his white jeans anymore; and

- any day now, Larry will start wearing his kangol hat (backwards, "like Samuel L. Jackson," as he just reminded me).