We're gonna need to put a brassiere on him

This past weekend was my grandma's 86th birthday party in New York. My grandma is the sweetest woman in the world, but she never disappoints with the back-handed "compliments," which just leave my cousins and I cracking up like maniacs. Some of my favorites from this weekend:

"Oh Valerie, you're so thin! Not as thin as Carrie, but yea..."

"That's a cute hat, Nicole. You've always had a very special sense of style."

And then there's the classic no-nonsense grandma comments:

On the 8-year-old son of my cousin -- "If Justin eats any more food today, we're gonna need to put a brassiere on him. He's a BIG BOY."

On my perfectly average weight cousin, as she pinches his stomach, "What do you have under there, Sean? Two tires?"

My grandma also insists that we sing "Happy Birthday" FIVES times in a row... for each person in the family with an October birthday. Oh and there is also five cakes. And whenever you enter a room at one of these family functions, everyone claps and chants your name.

We all wake up the morning after these family parties with a serious hangover and a plate of bacon in our faces, courtesy of Grandma, who thinks it's sweet all the cousins got "stewed together."

Did I mention that at one point we all stood in a circle and did the chicken dance? There were no children there at that point. I've never seen my grandma happier.