Charlie bit me

This makes me smile like a damn fool. Char-lay!

Ridicule Bob

Work is BUSY again and will be until mid-November. Nevertheless, today had two important highlights:

• Our lifestyle editor gave me a tube of concealer... for black women.
• I found out Larry is friends with Kato Kaelin. Seriously.

Tomorrow we have an all-day "office retreat" at some swanky hotel in the city. I just received the formal agenda, written by one of my co-workers. The following are among our scheduled activities:

Noon-12:05pm: Impressions by Larry. A side-by-side comparison of Larry "doing" Matt and Matt "doing" himself. Judging by applause.

1-1:05pm: Ridicule Bob. Group discussion.

2-2:05pm: Judee von Seldeneck* and Georges Perrier* have a chat.

*Both roles will be played by Michael

Also on the memo:

Be ready for some team-building activities: We’ll be doing trust falls, tug-of-war, networking exercises, and the “balloon games” that are explained here: http://wilderdom.com/games/descriptions/gamesballoons.html

We're gonna need to put a brassiere on him

This past weekend was my grandma's 86th birthday party in New York. My grandma is the sweetest woman in the world, but she never disappoints with the back-handed "compliments," which just leave my cousins and I cracking up like maniacs. Some of my favorites from this weekend:

"Oh Valerie, you're so thin! Not as thin as Carrie, but yea..."

"That's a cute hat, Nicole. You've always had a very special sense of style."

And then there's the classic no-nonsense grandma comments:

On the 8-year-old son of my cousin -- "If Justin eats any more food today, we're gonna need to put a brassiere on him. He's a BIG BOY."

On my perfectly average weight cousin, as she pinches his stomach, "What do you have under there, Sean? Two tires?"

My grandma also insists that we sing "Happy Birthday" FIVES times in a row... for each person in the family with an October birthday. Oh and there is also five cakes. And whenever you enter a room at one of these family functions, everyone claps and chants your name.

We all wake up the morning after these family parties with a serious hangover and a plate of bacon in our faces, courtesy of Grandma, who thinks it's sweet all the cousins got "stewed together."

Did I mention that at one point we all stood in a circle and did the chicken dance? There were no children there at that point. I've never seen my grandma happier.

His snoring keeps me up all night

OK this is just getting ridiculous, but I need to post something else before I forget about it. A conversation I just had with Larry:

L: I'm congested. Listen! [forced loud hacking noise]

V: Did you take some benadryl?

L: Oh yea, I take that every day whether I feel sick or not.

V: Good idea. What about a breathe right strip? It would look great with your turtleneck.

L: I wear those at night! Actually, do you think we could make one of those for my cat, Rocky? His snoring keeps me up all night.

Wink wink

A conversation I just had with the 80-year-old publishing magnate who owns this company:

Me: We need to screen Sam's documentary soon. Are you in the office next week?

Him: Well, Valerie... I'm getting a colonoscopy on Tuesday [wink].

Why not just wear a dickie?

Urgent and important news brief:

Larry is wearing a TIGHT, RIBBED black TURTLENECK today.

Cannonball!

God I wish I was funnier

I interviewed Dom Irrera today. He was very entertaining, and after the formal interview we had a 5-minute chat about mud slides (the natural disaster, not the delicious drink) that cracked me up with its randomness. He left me a voicemail this afternoon with an addendum to our interview. At the very end of the message, he faintly mumbles, "God I wish I was funnier..."

Click.