Sperm

Larry just came out of his office, said "My mom just called to tell me I should freeze my sperm," and then walked away.

2Legit2Quit

me: should I send out an evite message to everyone?

12:41 PM Alice: nah dont even bother, we will def have enough booze

me: perfection

i kind of wanted to send a message just so i could sign it "2Legit2Quit, Val"

but ill refrain

Alice: hahaha MC Hammer lives

12:42 PM me: http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/2004/02/02-05-04tdc/02-05-04darts-14s.jpg

im buying u that for ur birthday. i hope u like!

12:43 PM Alice: hahhahaha I love how at work you are a part time internet researcher

me: im so pissed that Hammer stole the outfit i'm going to wear Saturday night:

http://crossroadstrading.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/mc-hammer.jpg

12:46 PM Alice: Hammer is the bomb, we did a dance routine to his jam for the 2nd grade talent show

pretty much been downhill since that

12:48 PM me: ur like Stephanie Tanner

when she did the "Motown Philly" dance routine

all up front and center

now she's a meth addict

so, you've got her beat

Alice: yeah you're living with a celebrity and you didnt even know it

yeah I got steph beat, but not by much these days.. hahah

12:49 PM me: you're only addicted to entourage episodes and birthday cake whilst drunk

i hope this weekend turns into a DANCE PARTY

oh u know what i'm going to do this afternoon!

1 hour of real work

1 hour of job apps

3 hours of party playlist for sat night

12:50 PM Alice: good.. take that Larry! Sucka That sounds like a good days work.

me: release form: do u mind if i post this conversation on MY BLOG?

12:51 PM Alice: my agent says its ok

An afternoon LP experience

Ashley: So...

A BLACK MIDGET served me my soup at Applebees today

me: hahahaha

2:03 PM shut your mouth

Ashley: yes, i was mid-conversation in the booth with a co-worker and someone says...excuse me miss...

i look over and am eye-level with a black midget holding tomato basil soup

2:04 PM i politely said thank you, turned to cont. my conversation and tried to remain as calm as possible

approx. 1 minute later i'm like, "Ugh, does anyone want to comment on the fact that a midget just served me my soup?!"

me: HAHAHAHHA

no one said anything?!?!

2:05 PM Ashley: next comment, "I can't wait to tell Val."

i really wish I'd been with you or Jamie or someone...it would have been a much better experience

noone else was nearly as amused

2:09 PM me: hahaha jamie would have LOST her mind

2:18 PM

me: so i just told larry about the midget

and he was like "where did she go for lunch?!?!? We need to go there right now!!!"

6 minutes

2:25 PM Ashley: hahaha

2:27 PM i appreciate that he appreciates midgets

Suck it

----- Original Message -----

From: Valerie

To: Larry; Christy

Sent: Wed Jan 20 15:52:37 2010

Subject: Andy...

I can't believe this, but I don't actually have his direct line. Larry,

do you have Andy's # for Christy?

----- Reply Message -----

From: Larry

To: Valerie; Christy

Sent: Wed Jan 20 15:55:42 2010

Subject: Andy...

1800Suckit

Puss in boots

There's a homeless lady that sits near my apartment that Alice refers to as "Puss in boots," which makes me laugh like an animal every time. She looks just like this lady:

My real job

Courtesy of my college pal, Crystal:

That said, I'm spending tonight on the couch with homemade pizza and Entourage DVDs. Ty-pi-cal.

Alice's birthday surprise

Most of you (i.e., all four of you that read this) know my high school pal Dave (or have at least heard a ridiculous story about him). Dave is the kind of guy who would convince me to go to his work's very formal holiday parties with him, only to introduce me as his "escort" when I wasn't paying attention. A few years ago, he went to CANCUN with our 65-year-old high school physics teacher for no reason in particular.

I received the following e-mail from Dave this afternoon regarding my roommate, who he has never met:

David P to me

2:38 PM (3 hours ago)

Val, is Alice looking to get laid on her bday?
-Dave

Proceed with caution, Alice. I suspect that at any point during your birthday party, you could turn around and see this face lurking closely behind you: